Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
