I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
