turn off your phone and go to bed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice