totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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