We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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