I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
