Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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