so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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