There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize