My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
