Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
