My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
