I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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