just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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