Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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