Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
