i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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