I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
