If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.