DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
