It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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