well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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