I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's never too late to be topless.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
