Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
