Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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