he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
