Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
