Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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