3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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