Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
