I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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