He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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