we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
