She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
