and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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