Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
