I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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