When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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