It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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