Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
