I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
