went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
