so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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