I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
