Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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