there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
