Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
