More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
