a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
