My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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