Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
