I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
