Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
