i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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