be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
