Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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