Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
