I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i will never coherently bang her
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
