Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
